


wake me up

by ZainBAP



Category: B.A.P
Genre: Channie is worried about Yongguk in preperation for ROSE comeback, Fluff, M/M, OT6 feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-27
Updated: 2017-02-27
Packaged: 2018-09-27 06:58:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9981965
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZainBAP/pseuds/ZainBAP
Summary: Himchan nods, not sure what to say. He's not ashamed of it; has never been ashamed of the concern and affection he feels toward the people he cares about. Not ashamed of being obvious. Yongguk just looks at him for a while, their eyes meeting comfortably. Then he sighs, shoulders relaxing even further."Not coming back," he says quietly, "was not an option."





	

**Author's Note:**

> Based on a couple prompts I got on my [tumblr](http://zainbap.tumblr.com/) as well as influenced by my own feels and thoughts on Yongguk coming back.

It's common knowledge that Bang Yongguk barely sleeps. If you were to rank B.A.P by their sleeping problems, the leader is the obvious number one. Daehyun would come second, even if it's with a margin. Jongup is undoubtedly last; the guy is like a damn cat. Junhong only has trouble falling asleep right before big performances. Youngjae falls asleep less than five minutes after the lights go out.

Himchan can't sleep when he worries. When heavy thoughts won't stop circling like vultures inside his head. Those nights he tosses and turns until the bed doesn't feel comfortable anymore, and he has to get up and do something else not to go crazy.

When Yongguk still lived in the dorm, those were the nights Himchan would find the leader sitting with his laptop and awful posture somewhere in the dark. He'd take a bottle from their stash and force Yongguk to talk to him until he felt tired again. Usually he'd manage to drag the oldest with him to bed by that time as well, right before sunrise. They'd have a bit of a headache the next morning, but at least they'd gotten a few hours shut-eye. It had worked. It had been easy.

Now, it isn't as easy.

Now, he had to put on a jacket and go out on the streets of Seoul in the middle of the night. Yongguk's apartment isn't far, but it's still a hell of a lot farther than the other room. It's also a guessing game, not knowing when the leader is actually at home or still at the studio.

Yongguk opens his door barely thirty seconds after Himchan rings the bell, squinting into the lit up hallway. Behind him is a bottomless darkness. His hair is in total disarray, and Himchan is still getting used to the perm.

"Channie?"

"Did I wake you up?"

The leader shakes his head, and steps aside to make room in the doorway. Himchan steps over the threshold, and once the door closes behind him it takes a while before his eyes adjust enough to see. There's light coming from somewhere further inside the den, and Himchan follows Yongguk towards it after taking his shoes off.

"You shouldn't leave the dorm in the middle of the night," Yongguk mutters, entering the living room.

"All the kids are sleeping. Sitting up by myself is no fun."

"You could've just called."

Himchan snorts and sinks down on the couch. His usual corner.

"Bbang, you're a shitty conversationalist on the phone."

Yongguk grins, sitting down on the floor in front of his laptop. Himchan thinks that he would've hunched if he hadn't leaned back against the couch.

"And how am I face-to-face?"

"Just bad," Himchan replies immediately, smiling.

Yongguk scoffs, nodding his head sideways as if to say _touché_. He closes his laptop with a small sigh, and Himchan is pretty sure he's not imagining the sag of the man's narrow shoulders. As if Yongguk knows Himchan won't let him work while he's here, and that this break is inevitable. And he can pretend to hate it all he wants, but Himchan knows part of him is also relieved.

"I couldn't sleep," Himchan says after a moment of silence.

"I know," Yongguk rumbles, tipping his head back against the couch to look at him. "You're worried."

Himchan nods, not sure what to say. He's not ashamed of it; has never been ashamed of the concern and affection he feels toward the people he cares about. Not ashamed of being obvious.

Yongguk just looks at him for a while, their eyes meeting comfortably. Then he sighs, shoulders relaxing even further.

"Not coming back," he says quietly, "was not an option."

"I know that," Himchan tells him, and he means it. "We _all_ knew that."

"But."

Himchan swallows.

"I just can't help but wonder," he whispers, "how long we're gonna keep holding on to this life before finally giving up and letting go. How many times we're gonna fall just to get back up. How many of us have to get hurt and be sent away on break before someone finally decides not to come back."

Yongguk stays silent for a long time, gaze drifting from Himchan's face to the wall. Himchan knows he's thinking. Can see him going over multiple answers in his head before finally deciding on one.

"We all came back. After the lawsuit. It's what we wanted."

"Yeah," Himchan agrees. "But that was before you got worse, Bbang. Before we knew you had to sacrifice your health just to get us back under the spotlight."

"That's not how it is," Yongguk mutters.

"Really?" Himchan retorts, and it sounds harsher than he'd intended. But all the frustration and worry he'd felt when tossing and turning in bed back home is now brought back to the surface. "Because I know it's either all or nothing with you, Bbang. You don't do half-assed. They had to go behind your back with composing for Rose, or you would've wanted in on it. No matter the fact that you were still on break. Are you seriously telling me next time will be any different?"

"Yes," Yongguk says, too quickly.

Himchan shakes his head, exhaling slowly through his nose. Yongguk sighs, too, and another moment in silence goes by before the leader abandons his spot on the floor to join Himchan on the couch. He sits close enough for their arms to brush. Himchan can't help but lean into it.

"Himchan." It's that voice he uses when he really needs his dongsaengs to listen to him. The closest Bang Yongguk comes to yelling. Himchan can feel the hairs in the back of his neck stand, because he hasn't heard it in a long time. "I'm _trying_. Okay?"

Turning his head, Himchan lets their eyes meet once again. It feels better like this, when they're the same height. When they're sitting together.

"Trying to do _what_ , exactly?" He asks, voice flat.

"Listen to you," Yongguk says in a heartbeat. "I know I haven't, before. I know I've been really bad at taking care of myself. Well, taking care of… a lot of things."

But Himchan shakes his head.

"No," he sighs softly. He turns his body slightly toward Yongguk's. "You took good care of everything _but_ yourself. You took care of _us_."

Yongguk hesitates before he protests.

"Not as well as I should have."

"Yah, not this again," Himchan tells him. "Bbang, the way TS treat us has nothing to do with you."

"Okay, whatever, don't— We've had this conversation."

"And you still don't seem to get it," Himchan mumbles.

"Look," Yongguk sighs, closing his eyes for a moment before opening them again. He gives Himchan a soft, nearly pleading, look. "I'm trying to tell you that I'll try not to work myself to death in the future, okay? It's what this whole break of mine has been about."

When Himchan's eyes just narrow in disbelief, he goes on.

"I take too much onto my own shoulders, I know that," he says quietly. "I know I disappear inside my own head too much. I know I'm absent when the kids need me. When _you_ need me. I know I've prioritized work when I should've cared more about my own health. And I know I can't go on like that. Can't go _back_ to that, because then it'll all just fall apart again. I _know_ all that."

Yongguk pauses, as if to let Himchan talk. He doesn't; not right away.

"Bbang," he finally says, voice low. "I know why you came back. I know why we _all_ came back. There's nothing else I'd rather do with my youth, than spending it with you and the kids, and the fans." Yongguk gets something soft and warm in his eyes, and Himchan feels a happy tug at his gut at the sight. He offers a weak smile, and it's returned equally. "I'm just worried, okay? It's what I do. I worry. About you, about the kids, about messing up the choreography."

Yongguk's smile stretches a little wider, and he inches closer. Himchan pretends not to notice. Unlike Daehyun, the man doesn't want his efforts acknowledged.

"Things sucked with you gone, but they sucked even more when you were here and not feeling well. _That's_ what broke us. Not you being gone. And we—" He takes a new breath. "We would've managed, somehow, if you didn't want to come back. We would've been okay."

"Himchan-ah," Yongguk sighs, and Himchan swallows around the lump forming in his throat. He tries dropping his gaze, but the leader pokes him in the ribs until he looks back up. " _Stop_ , okay? I mean what I said. Me not coming back was _never_ —"

"But it would've been okay if it was."

"No, it _wouldn't_ ," Yongguk tells him firmly, "because I _love_ B.A.P, Channie. Even if I had continued with my music, and if the fans would've supported me somewhere else, it _wouldn't be enough_ because it wouldn't be with _you_ guys. It's all six of us, being together, that makes everything worth it. That's why we came back after the lawsuit. That's why we get back up again every time we fall. That's why I couldn't wait to get back to work. That's why I want this group to go on for as long as possible. Because I'm not doing it for the music, or even the fans. Not anymore. Okay?"

Himchan blinks, not sure what to say. There's a warmth coiling in his gut, his heart feeling a little too big to fit inside his rib cage, and it stings behind his eyes. He's not the type of man to tear up easily, unlike the younger members. Neither is Yongguk. And yet Himchan can see the glint of Yongguk's glazed eyes even in this low light.

He clears his throat. The lump won't go away.

"Okay," he says quietly.

Yongguk exhales through his nose, and lets his eyelids fall closed. He leans in, resting his forehead against Himchan's. Himchan closes his eyes, too, breathing through his parted lips.

"Don't worry about me, Channie. I know you'll take care of me. And I'm gonna let you, this time."

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
